STRIKE!!!

14/18th's of Southpaw Squad Refuse to Show on Friday Before Holiday Weekend.

-John Heyman
WFAN FM 660 NYC

Lefties fall 35-1 to Renegades, Drop to 3-3.

In an unprecedented action this past Friday, before the 4th of July holiday also known as Independance Day, the majority of Southpaw Softball's players initiated a work stopage and failed to show for the team's Friday night match against the Renegades. A representitive for the player's union cited "the ridiculousness of the league's scheduling" and said, on condition of anonymity, that (he) " just can't in good concience allow my players to play and overexert themselves the day before a major drinking holiday". One player was overheard saying "Softball on a Friday night? Yeah right! Fuck that, I have some serious partying to do this weekend bro!"

The four Lefty regulars who showed up tried to make the best of it, scouring the park for replacement "scab" players, so that the team would not have to take an automatic forfeit. Still, the team was seriously handicapped. Before the game Southpaw acquired the services of home plate umpire John Smith at first base and a twelve year old hispanic girl named Angelis (or something like that) in right. The team's regular catcher Dominque moved to left field while a local door guy, Johnny "Angel" Jones, rumbled and lumbered about in center field. A cripple claiming to be Mikey Palms manned third and Dominique's girlfriend, Ruth "Barefoot" Gilwit , filled in (albeit, suprisingly ably) behind the plate. But, in perhaps the day's toughest lesson, Southpaw's regular right fielder, Chris Overton, learned that playing short stop on twelve bong hits is not quite the same as playing right field on twelve bong hits.

It was ugly.

The ever classy Renegades held no quarter, continually pounding opposite field shots into the unoccupied hole between Smith at first and Overton at short, apparently wanting to see if the twelve year old female "scab" in right could handle playing with a bunch of real men. "I couldn't throw the ball far enough inside to get them to pull it" said SP pitcher Pat Fondiller, who ineptly gave up all 35 runs, " even her own father tried his damndest to hit it at her... hard". The game was called after 5 innings at 35-1 in favor of the Renegades who collectively took great pride at the all-out drubbing they inflicted on Southpaw. It was the worst loss in the storied history of the Southpaw franchise. When reached outside of his home for comment, Southpaw's visibly scathing manager Patty "Dooks" Fondiller (no relation to SP pitcher Pat Fondiller) issued a couple of rare statements. "I'm getting a little fucking tired of these prima donnas! Are we a TEAM or a buncha fucking pussy-ass fucking party boys" he said of his own striking players and then added: "The Renegades, they're a buncha fucking tools, they'll get their's real soon, fucking pricks!"